Thursday, May 17, 2007

Gas prices...

Here ya go...
Thou shalt not whine in the event that you CHOOSE to purchase a GAS GUZZLING SUV when gas prices are over three dollars a GALLON!
I don't want to hear bragging about how awesome the vehicle is, or what a great deal the vehicle was, or what amenities it comes with, followed by counting change to buy gas. I don't even care about the selectable warming/cooling cupholders, mega-changer cd-player, or how you can fit your two dogs, kids, and fiancee. By and large, you intentionally inflicted this gas pig on yourself. WHY? BECAUSE you wanted it. Therefore, don't complain about your gas bill after trading a compact, foreign, 40-45 mpg vehicle for an 18 mpg vehicle, and expect me not to brag about the 530 miles I just got on 11.7 gallons of gas. Read it and weep people. My car gets 45 mpg.
And it's 5 years old.
And has 115k on it.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Clean your ears out people

Ok, so here's the latest...
An old lady calls, and asks if a weightloss center does testing forDementia, a crippling disease of the elderly.
The secretary informs the poor soul, "I'm sorry, this is a bariatric surgery, not geriatric surgery. "
No, this is true.
You can't make this up!

Thursday, May 3, 2007


One would think, by the title, that "mayonnaise" is a condiment, used for salads, on burgers, in sandwiches, etc...
As defined by the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, it's an exclamation: "Mayonnaise alot of people in here..."
My story stems from the former.
To start, all of the condiments in the cafeteria are kept in the open, and not refridgerated. The mooseturd, the catspuke, the man-on-knees, all with enough preservatives to keep George Burns alive for a few more years.
My esteemed co-worker, Ditzy Twitsy, marched into our office, opens the refridgerator (it's a small dorm size refrigerator, that she used to store her orchid in. for two weeks. Upon it being opened, and a horrific, horrendous, ER Nurse-dropping odor eminated from the bowels of the refrigerator, was scoured) that is shared by our two offices, and peers thoughtfully into it, and says, "Do you guys have any mayonnaise?" (envision demanding teenager intonation)
OS: "No."
Helpful co-worker: "Maybe there is some in the cupboard (where the disposable utensils/stylish plates) are kept."
DT: "Ew, do you think it'll be any good?"