Sarcasm NOT spoken here *NOTE THE HINT OF SARCASM*

This JUST IN!   Approached by a nurse looking for someone.  I said "We issued a standard cloaking device upon hire to their position, therefore they are in the office, but just invisible." The nurse didn't find the humor in that.

Non-Vegetables

Everyone has Greenbean Casserole at Thanksgiving. The time-honored pre-requisite dish that the creators would have you believe that the Native Americans served it to the Pilgrims as the first introduction to this meal. Complete with the canned green beans from Green Giant, canned soup from Campbell's, and French's Fried Onions.   The last ingredient was found in a recent recipe that my husband and I tried recently, but finding it in the supermarket was as elusive as the canned soup would have been in the First Thanksgiving.  "Why"? you might ask.  Here's the reason.   I used to work in retail.  I am reasonably efficient at finding bizarre ingredients by thinking what they would be used for or associated with. Fried Onions should be used as a coating, or as a breading, as it would have been for this application.  First pitch:  Bread Crumbs.  Ah, Strike one.  Second pitch:  Snack foods (It's a fried item).  Strike two.  Third pitch:  Soups.  Mighty Casey has struck out, but thankfully, we're not playing baseball.   Finally, as a last ditch effort, I try the canned vegetable aisle.  The one with peas, green beans, and corn.  Sure enough, on the top shelf, appeared my homerun: Fried Onions.    Are you kidding me?  Since when did an item that in NO SHAPE (or  taste) resemble its original form (or even have the item as a first ingredient..Palm Oil) make it into the canned vegetable aisle?  I mean, REALLY!?  It's NOT A CANNED VEGETABLE.  It IS a CONDIMENT.  Why don't we start putting Potato Chips in the canned vegetable aisle!  At least most chips have potatoes as the main ingredients.

Priceless.

New Laptop: 1000 (waiting to purchase)
Taking your anger out on a Windows computer "Office Space" Style: Priceless.

Next time, don't take your anger out on a fully functioning computer.

Punchy.

After being much less than graceful in my youth, such adventures have returned to haunt me.
And I know, I'm not that old.

I had 3 shoulder dislocations, followed by Bankart repair. 8 happy years without injury to that shoulder. And the surgeon moved on to a different area.
I fell asleep one night while watching a baseball game with my hands behind my head. I went to sit up and it dislocated. My husband pulled it and put it back in. I saw no reason to go to the ER. I called my PCP and asked for a referral to the orthopedist. I was told, "No, you need to be seen by the provider." Insert annoyance here.
I saw the provider for less than 2 minutes, who said "Yes, you need to see an orthopedist". Uh, DUH!? Didn't I say "I need a referral to see one?" The conversation in my head was "Thank you for wasting my time, money, and insurance for you to tell me what I already know!" Thank goodness for filters.

The appointment for the ortho came and he said "You'll need to do PT."
Well, because it was still considered a "Pre-existing injury" by the insurance (Because I didn't go to the ER when it happened), insurance wouldn't pay for physical therapy.

Home I go with the exercise program.
Fast forward 2.3 years (without issue)
First snow storm of the season...
Wonderhubby is gone to a meeting but on his way home...
I'm supposed to be going shopping with our local volunteer service for our community service.
The end of the driveway needs to be shoveled.
Our shed has a ramp to get the lawn mower and ATV in.
And to be able to open the door, you have to stand on the ramp. The one covered with snow. And Ice underneath.
I look down at my feet and realize "Hmmm...this probably isn't a good idea..." and before that thought process could turn into physical action, my feet flew out from under me, my hands went up over my head, I landed on my chest...in the snow. With the puppy outside with me.
I started to cry, realizing that my shoulder was not as it should be, not to mention that it hurt. Kind of like having your arm ripped out of its socket...Oh yeah, that's right...it WAS ripped out of the socket.
I was able to roll into a position that I could get to a standing position, and the puppy was trying to help...She's such a good girl, she just didn't know what was going on...
Slowly, I lumbered through the snow, making sure not to slip again.
Arriving at the house, I opened the door, and located my phone.
I dialed poor Wonderhubby...and commenced screaming.
He said "Honey, you're going to have to calm down because I can't understand what you're saying."
I wanted to know where he was, because if he was close enough, I was going to wait until he got home. If not, I was going to call the rescue station and see if anyone could take me down.
He was about 15 miles away. The station is 7. I called down and they started towards the house.
Wonderhubby beat the ambulance.
I gingerly got in the truck, my shoulder still out of place. Wonderhubby said "Big city, or small town..." I said "JUST GET ME THERE...it has to be put back in." He said "It's going to be bumpy..." and half joking I retorted "Maybe it will put it back in."

As we approached the left hand turn (braking), the force of slowing down and turning at the same time was enough to audibly reduce the dislocation.
I went into the ER and was seen promptly, xrayed, and put back in the room.
The shoulder was indeed back in place.
They put a sling on, and said "you're going to need to go see an ortho"...This was only the 5th dislocation...I had no idea! *insert sarcasm here*
So I saw my PCP, who said "Absolutely...I can facilitate that"
And the ortho I saw the last time I dislocated my shoulder felt like a logical choice.
When I went to see him, he walks in all flip and arrogant "so...why are you wearing a sling?"
"Uh, I dislocated my shoulder"
"Oh...first time?" (after clearly stated in my chart Shoulder dislocation x 3, Bankart repair 1999)
"No...fifth".
"Oh. Well, you know, these things are pretty black and white... you can either do PT or do surgery. What's it going to be? "
"Uh, how 'bout we find out what's wrong FIRST?"
"Oh yeah, we can do that too."

Fast forward to the MRI questionnaire...
"Do you have any allergies?"
"Yes."
"Ok, what are they?"
"Stupid people."
"What?"
"Oh, I'm sorry...I didn't mean to imply YOU were stupid."

Driving home while tired.

Ok, so I know that driving home when you're tired isn't a WONDERFUL idea...but, it had to be done.
I was on my way home last night, and was traveling through the center of town on a 4-lane road. I was in the left hand lane following a pickup truck who had slowed down.
He wasn't doing the speed limit, so, I figured he was planning to turn left somewhere. I changed lanes, and was in the right lane, and a car was ahead. The guy sped up to pass me, and the car now ahead of me, and forced me to get behind him again to pass the guy in front of me. How irritating. So I pass the car, and pull again into the right hand lane, now nose and nose with this guy. The light turns red. One of the sheriffs officers pulls out from the bridge and goes screaming down the road. The conversation in my head?

"Sorry officer, I thought you were the pace car."
Notes? Don't drive while tired. And don't EVER say that

Another Unhappy shoppping trip

Last evening (12/29/09), when the temperatures had dipped into the single digits upon my leaving work at 6pm, my husband called me to inform me that the water had frozen (due to a lightbulb being out in our outdoor pump set up) and the fuel oil had gelled (the oil tech was enroute).  I realized that the heating tape that we had intended to install on the plumbing had not yet been purchased, so I figured while I was at Home Depot, I could grab it to help with the water freezing issue (Our plumber had told me to get the braided heat tape as it was more effective and had less risk associated with it).  On my way in, I stopped to ask a customer service agent where I would locate such a product, and he directed me to the plumbing aisle.  He said "There's an associate down there than can assist you."  I located the braided heat tape but there were no pre-packaged kits or pre-cut strips in the length needed, and it clearly said "Ask an associate for assistance" (it needed to be cut, in addition to needing the end, the plug, and the other items required.)  The associate was assisting a male customer (I would assume...I wasn't eavesdropping on the conversation), and not wanting to interrupt, I was waiting patiently for him to finish with that customer.  Another male customer approached the wall with the joints and elbows, and the associate said "Hey man, what can I help you with?" and he said that he was looking for something specific, the associate showed him where it was, resumed his conversation, turned around, looked me SQUARE IN THE FACE, said NOTHING, looked back down, and moseyed off non-chalantly chatting with the first customer, and did not appear to be taking him somewhere to find anything.  I was furious that he would stop his conversation to help another man find something, but wouldn't stop to give me, a woman, any assistance...not even "Are you finding everything ok?" when I was clearly standing by an item that says "ASK FOR ASSISTANCE".  I ended up settling for the prepacked set up (NOT what I wanted, or had been told to get).  Onward I proceeded to find the lightbulb for the spotlight for the hot water.  The first associate I encountered saw me and asked if I had been helped (and already perturbed), I said "Well, apparently, since I don't have a wang, I can't get any help over there."  He came over to the lightbulbs and tried to settle me down (he was very nice), and he apologized for the poor service that I had received in the plumbing department.  I was so irritated by the experience with the guy in the plumbing department that just because a man walked up he would stop, drop, and assist the customer but a woman would have to install an electrically engineered neon bra and panty set that lit up to say "I NEED ASSISTANCE" and pole dance before being asked if she needed help. In the future, I think I will shop at my local hardware store and be treated like an intellectual instead of an ornament.

Not yet...

So.... What does "Not Yet" mean to you?